Disclaimer: This article is about hooking up. Casual sex can put you at higher risk for STDs and STIs. You can minimize the risks by using condoms. That being said, casual sex can be very fun for you and who you are with, and a dating blog wouldn't be complete without touching on the subject. Please be safe.
Though I prefer being lazy lying on my couch watching Netflix or a reality show just about any night of the week, inevitably I'm out most weekend nights either with friends or to help a guy learn the nuances of talking to girls in bars and clubs. Of course when I'm out, I can't help but observe all the interesting social interactions going on around me…
Inevitably I watch the same story arc play out between sets of star-crossed strangers night after night…
Usually it's sometime after 11:45pm, far into the night and people are getting more social and venturing out to meet new people beyond those they already know who are out. I'll attribute the newfound interest in people a combination of alcohol and greater comfort in socializing after spending some time with friends.
The guy or girl will get a conversation going and be hitting it off. Eventually a make out will ensue. And then that make out will basically continue until the guy and girl are ripped apart at the very end of the night by the friend (usually the girl's) who says they have to go. Sometimes a number is exchanged, often not. What I notice to be consistent in every one of these events is the look of shear confusion on the guy's face…
I remember being there at one point in time… Then I moved to Vegas and quickly learned about the Big 4 Questions and why they are necessary to bring up in every single conversation you have… Now I'll teach you, so you aren't that guy on the sidewalk at 2:05am watching the girl you were having a great time with ride off into the distance…
Most people's hopes of hooking up fall apart at the end of the night, even when everything was going really well… It's based on a little thing called Logistics, which is often not considered until far too late into the interaction.
When the desire for hooking up is present, logistics is all the outside variables that must be in place in order for a hook up to happen, which include
With all of these factors in place, you run a good chance of a conversation that is going well to go the distance…
Before we get into the questions, I have to check in with you one more time…
Go buy a 3 pack of condoms (or a 100 pack off Amazon like I do for almost the same price). Put them in your pocket (not your wallet! That's how you get micro-tears that increase likelihood of infection) whenever you go out and there's a chance you could hook up.
Better safe than sorry!
These questions will be used in conjunction with the Conversation Formula. Within the first few minutes, use each of these questions as a way of following up. I recommend asking the questions in the order I present them for them to come out most smoothly.
If you are meeting her out, chances are she didn't come alone. Knowing who she is with is important. If the people she is with do not like you, odds are low that you are going to end up alone with her later on. So ask that question then ask her to introduce you to the friends once you and her have connected. Then connect with the friends by following the Conversational Formula.
Pro Tip: When you meet the friend, greet her by saying, “Hi Friend” and shaking her hand. Although it's slightly odd, greeting her by calling her a friend will make her act more friendly toward you. A great Follow Up to ask the friend is “So how did you guys meet each other?” This question is interesting because you then learn about the friendship dynamics, and they'll feel closer to you after sharing a story of how they met. This question is my adaptation of the overused and cliché question, “So how do you guys know each other?” You'll get the same information without an eye roll from the friend who is tired of hearing the clichéd question. Finally, realize meeting the friend is a good thing. Too many guys want to avoid the friend because they are afraid she is going to ruin their chances of hooking up. She will ruin their chances if the guy is being arrogant or is not treating her friend well or seems to only care about getting physical. But if you treat the friend with respect and build rapport by following the Conversation Formula, the friend will like you and encourage the girl you like to spend the night with you (or at least get your number and go on a date with you).
You and her are going to have to go somewhere to hook up. Ideally it's your place because you should have your place set up to appeal to women and make you even more attractive to be around (if you don't have that yet, check out The Perfect Place here [AAAA]). The situation may call for you going to her place. I have been in many situations where the friends liked me but refused to let the girl leave with me. They would however let me go with them back to their place. It's always good to know what your options are.
If she mentions something about staying at her parents or relatives place, you know that you probably are going to have to go to your place instead. And if your place and her place are off the table, then you'll have to get a little more creative with your options for finding a place. Hotels are always an option. Also I have heard of people hooking up in less private places though I must discourage that because it's no fun to look up and see a police car pull up behind you while you are in the passionate thralls of hooking up… at least I imagine that would be a nerve-racking situation. Use judgment if doing anything in a place that is not private.
Understand this question is different from asking a girl where she lives; this is because when someone goes out for the night, they’re not necessarily staying at the place where they live. Sometimes they live too far away, so they are staying at a hotel, AirBnB, or a friend's place for the night.
When you ask this question, you are finding out if the girl has any plans later in the night. It's nice to know ahead of time if she is going to a house party, after hours, restaurant, or home. If it's an event of any kind, you might want to get yourself invited. That's relatively easy to do once she likes you. Usually, she'll suggest you come. If she says she is planning to sleep, that's still a green light for hooking up. It just means she had no real plans after going out. You will want to ask the final question to confirm she isn't sleeping after because of an early day.
Pro Tip: Don't tell her exactly what you're doing until you know what she is doing. If you say you are doing something that later conflicts with the plans to hang out with her, it can become increasingly difficult for her to be able to include you in her plans. For instance, if she and her friends are going to eat and you already said you were going to your friend's party after, you look like a jerk if ditch your friend but if you don't ditch your friend and go to eat with her, you don't get to spend time with her and lose the chance of hooking up. Hence, you're in a lose-lose situation. Instead when she asks what you are doing, say things like, “I don't know yet” or “Maybe food or an after party or something low key” or “I'm still deciding.”
This is the last of the four questions every guy should ask a girl he's considering hooking up with. The reason here is to get more information about what she has going on the next day. Sometimes you'll find out she has something to do early the next day, which will make the hook up unlikely (in which case you may want to opt for a number and move on if a hook up is what you are looking for) or that information will change your timeframe for hooking up. If she has something to do early the next morning, perhaps she would not have a problem leaving the bar at midnight to have fun with you instead of 2am when she would have to go straight home.
These questions will help you do something that is rarely done on nights out… You will have a the option to form a plan about where the night will take you. Rather than waiting til last call to figure out logistics, bring up these questions early on. Meet the friends and determine the likelihood of your place versus her place. The last piece of the puzzle is often transportation. This tends to take care of itself. You are more than welcome to ask how she got there or you can just wait and see what happens when you are about to leave the bar. If she makes no mention of a car of her own, take your car or hail a taxi or order a ride share. Your choice of transportation should be based on what will be most convenient overall. Of course if you are within walking distance of the bar, all the better! Confirm with her where you are going. As long as she agrees, you are in for a fun night!
What other questions do you need answered about hooking up? Comment below.
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